THE BEST ADVICE EVER ON HOW TO RELAX

The late, great American preacher and author Dr Norman Vincent Peale [pictured right], whose writings and addresses have helped me greatly over many decades, once said, ‘Americans are so tense and keyed up that not even a sermon can put them to sleep.’

Peale wrote and spoke much on how to relax, and so have many others. The self-help books are full of advice on how to relax. Most of the advice is well-intentioned. Some of the advice is even helpful, but most of it is too complex and difficult for the average person to put into practice.

Here’s what I consider to be the best advice I ever heard on the subject—and, yes, it comes from Dr Peale:

Sit still, be silent, let composure creep over you.

That's all you have to do. It’s that simple.

First, sit still. Now, some people can’t sit still for more than a few seconds. I have lectured to some 12,000 law students in my time, and I have spoken to many others as well in the mental health field (psychiatrists, psychologists and psychiatric nurses). So many of these people, including the health care professionals, couldn’t sit still if their lives depended upon it. I can understand the law students being restless. After all, the law can be a pretty dull subject, but the psychiatrists? ‘Physician, heal thyself.’ Anyway, I digress. I guess for some people it takes practice. Sit still. Let the body remain as motionless as possible. Be conscious of your breathing, and perhaps the beating of your heart. Be aware—just be aware, no more than that—of any bodily sensations, external noises, and thoughts and feelings you may experience. Whatever happens … SIT STILL. That is the only 'doing' thing in the whole procedure. That means not moving or making a sound. I’ll get to the latter—not making a sound—in a minute. It gets easier with practice. The poet T S Eliot wrote of the 'still centre' or 'still point' where the true reality is to be found. Yes, stillness is indeed the name of the game.

Secondly, be silent. Note that word ‘be’. It is not something you do—it is the total absence of doing—but something you are. What are you? I will tell you. You are be-ing-ness itself. An inlet and an outlet of life’s self-expression, that's what you are. Just be … and be silent. Say nothing—and that includes nothing interiorly to yourself. Silence is more than saying nothing. It means remaining as motionless and quiet as possible.

Now, don’t try not to think, for that will only result in your thinking. I love what the Zen master said to his then not so-enlightened student (who had asked the master what he had to do in order to become enlightened), 'Whatever you do, don't think of the white monkey.' Of course, you know what happened then. All the poor student could think of was---yes, the white monkey. You see, thinking about not thinking about the white monkey is the same as thinking about the white monkey. Trying not to think about the white monkey results in your thinking about the white monkey. So, don’t try not to think of anything. The secret is---simply forget to think. Got the idea? It is something passive. The power of non-action, that is, of not doing something. Don’t try. Again, it is all about the total absence of doing anything—except to sit still. The rest is all about not-doing … and letting. Well, it does get easier with practice.

Thirdly, let composure creep over you. The most important word in this third instruction—indeed, in the whole advice—is ‘let’. It is something entirely passive. Again, it is not something that you do. It is something that happens of its own accord—as soon as you remove the barriers to its happening. Once you sit still, and are silent, composure will creep over you. It’s not miraculous, but it is something very wonderful and precious. Now, this word ‘composure’, what does it mean? You know, even the word itself has a nice, relaxing sound and feel about it. Merriam-Webster defines ‘composure’ as ‘a calmness or repose especially of mind, bearing, or appearance’. Here are three other words that mean more-or-less the same thing: equanimity, serenity and imperturbability.

In short, get the body still first, then the mind will follow, and when the mind is still composure will creep over you. I love that word ‘creep’. The word ‘creep’, in the sense used here, refers to a process or movement that happens slowly, steadily and almost imperceptibly.

Sit still. Be silent. Let composure creep over you. Let this happen to and in you many times a day if necessary.

Remember—sit ... be ... let.

It's as simple as that.

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LET GO OF THE OLD—WELCOME IN THE NEW!

This post first appeared on December 29, 2013, as ‘A Powerful

Transformative Ritual for the New Year: The Burning Bowl Ceremony’

The late American Protestant minister and author Dr Norman Vincent Peale once wrote, ‘There is a spiritual giant within you, which is always struggling to burst its way out of the prison you have made for it.’ That spiritual giant is a power---a potentiality---of which perhaps you are not even aware. This power can, however, remake you in every way. Call it God or the spirit of life, or Being itself, there is an almighty power and presence that lives and moves and has its being in and as you, which is capable of making all things new. (Note, I said all things.) That power and presence can indeed recreate each one of us in both mind and body, and fill us with new life. It can even transform our whole world.

Life is, or at least ought to be, a continual process of ‘letting go and letting be’. There is a certain ‘rhythm’ to life and Nature, and that rhythm is one of … letting go ... and letting be. Yes, letting go---so that the ‘new’ may manifest. The ‘old’ must go. As we approach the New Year, I ask you (and myself) this, ‘How willing are you---and I---to let go of all that is holding us back?’ I am thinking especially of bad habits, addictions, negative thoughts and emotions, and unhealthy relationships. 

You see, most of us resist change, largely because we fear it, but also because change---real, meaningful change in our lives---is never easy. We make so many excuses for giving up what is bad for us. We even say, ‘I can’t change. That's just the way I am’ Rubbish! That is nonsense. The way you are now may well be the way you have been for quite some time but in truth it is not the real person that you are. Actually, each of us is changing all the time. The problem is that as soon as we see we have changed (shock, horror!) we tend to revert quickly to our old selves, because that feels safer and more secure. But is it really good for us? You know the answer to that.

Now, there is a transformative ritual known as the ‘Burning Bowl Ceremony.’ It is a ritual that I have often performed both individually and in various fellowships. The performance of this ritual helps us to let go of old hurts, grudges, resentments, regrets and suffering, indeed, to relinquish anything that is holding us back and which we wish to relinquish. The ritual is commonly performed on New Year’s Eve, but it can be performed on any day of the year.

In most religions fire is a symbol of purification and transformation--and power! In the Burning Bowl Ceremony you write down on a small piece of paper whatever it is---it may be more than one thing---that you want to be free of. The act of committing to writing what you want gone from your life is a very important part of the letting go process. Indeed, there is great power in so doing. Then gently fold (or, if you like, roll) the piece of paper. Now, before placing the piece of paper in the ‘burning bowl,’ the latter being a fairly large, safe and unburnable bowl containing one or more lit candles to enable safe and quick burning, spend a moment or two in quiet prayer or meditation by way of personal commitment and surrender. If there is anything else holding you back---there almost always will be, you know---become aware of what it is, and let that go as well. Now set alight your piece of paper, and quickly drop the paper into the burning bowl ... before you burn yourself in the process. (I don't recommend or endorse the latter.)

Please perform this transformative ritual, either alone or with others. If you do so in a sincere, meaningful way, the ritual will help you to effect real, deep change in your life---and we all need that. And if you and I change, then others, after seeing the change in us, may decide to change as well. That is the only way to change the consciousness of our world. So please take all that I've said in this post very seriously indeed.

Saint Paul wrote ‘be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind’ (Rom 12: 2). That is what the Burning Bowl Ceremony is all about---transformation and renewal. It all begins in the mind, and takes place in the mind, before it manifests elsewhere.

May the fast approaching New Year be a great one for you and your loved ones---and may it be a time of real, meaningful spiritual growth as well.

Note. In the Burning Bowl Ceremony some people and fellowships use what is known as ‘flash paper’---available from magic supply stores---which burns in a flash and leaves no ash or residue. Flash paper is, however, ordinarily quite expensive to buy, although you can make it yourself but I don’t recommend that. I prefer to use regular but extremely thin and easily combustible paper---not tissue paper but something similar (eg crêpe paper). Then, having placed the lit paper in the bowl, I watch the flame and smoke as I ‘let go’ of whatever it is I want ‘out’ of my life forever. IEJ.

DON’T MEDITATE TO ‘GET’ SOMETHING!

‘Meditation is a state of mind which looks at everything with

complete attention, totally, not just parts of it.’ J. Krishnamurti.

I have a good friend (let’s call him Steve) who is a scientist---a physicist, to be exact. He taught physics in universities in Australia and Canada. Steve and his wife regularly attend meetings of my home fellowship. He is one of the most learned and scholarly persons I’ve ever known, but he finds it extremely difficult to meditate.

Yes, when it comes to our guided meditation, Steve seems either unable or unwilling to ‘let go’, even to the extent of closing his eyes and staying still for just a few seconds. He fidgets and constantly moves around in his chair and is clearly uncomfortable at the thought of any form of meditation, even meditation of the most naturalistic kind.

Perhaps the reason for Steve's 'resistance' is that, as a disciplined scientist, he always wants to know and control. he is also a skeptic, which goes with the territory, so to speak. A good thing, skepticism. Doubt, not faith, is the name of the game. Steve relies entirely upon facts and evidence, that is, on what he can see and know, and also on inferences and conclusions that can be drawn rationally from the available evidence. 

Now, I admire that, for I, too, am very much the empiricist. I, too, reject supernatural, occult and all other unobservable explanations of the otherwise observable conditions of existence. ‘The things that can be seen, heard and learned are what I prize most,’ wrote Heraclitus. True, very true, but meditation can indeed be ‘something’ that is seen, heard and learned.

Steve recently said to me, ‘I have trouble with mindfulness meditation.’ I say to him, ‘Steve, you do practise mindfulness all the time, but you don’t seem to realize it. Mindfulness is paying attention, on purpose. It is being aware, including being aware of your awareness---and even your unawareness. Mindfulness is doing one thing at a time, purposefully and knowingly---like when you're reading a scientific journal article which requires all of your focus, awareness and and attention. That is mindfulness, and you are engaged in a form of meditation more often than you think---even when you're driving your car or washing the dishes. You get my point, don’t you?’ Steve, ever the skeptic, begrudgingly answered, ‘Yes. I suppose I do.’

Many people have a terrible fear of ‘losing control’. Ironically, a lot of these people are already ‘out of control’ in that their lives are controlled by fears, phobias, addictions and compulsions that are seemingly beyond their personal or conscious control. Now, one thing meditation is not is this---it is not ‘mind control’ in the sense of subjugation, sublimation or suppression. Meditation is being choicelessly (that is, non-judgmentally) aware of what is.

In order to properly meditate you must go gently … and take it easy. More importantly, the ‘effort’ involved in meditation is of a relaxed albeit deliberate kind. It has been described as the ‘effort of no-effort.’ ‘Resist not’ is the important principle involved.

Back to Steve. I said to him, ‘When it comes to our group mindfulness, or your own practice of it, you will never lose control, go into some trance, or otherwise lose contact with external reality. At any time you can cease your meditation and go about your ordinary business.’ He seemed a bit happier, but I don’t think I have fully convinced him. He’s a hard case, but I love him. He is a man of integrity---and great intelligence. That may sound patronizing, but it’s damn true.

One more thing. We must never meditate to get something---not even peace of mind or happiness. If you meditate to get something, more often than not you will fail. If you want peace of mind or happiness you need to ‘let go’ of everything that is holding you back from enjoying peace of mind and happiness. The Buddha was right when he spoke of the need to eradicate the causes of our unhappiness in order to be happy. Listen to these nuggets of wisdom from the great Buddhist teacher Ajahn Chah [pictured right]:

‘Remember you don't meditate to “get” anything, but to get “rid” of things. We do it, not with desire, but with letting go. If you “want” anything, you won't find it.’

‘We practise to learn letting go, not to increase our holding on. Enlightenment appears when you stop wanting anything.’

Krishnamurti [pictured top left] made a similar point when he said, ‘Meditation is not a means to an end. It is both the means and the end.’

Letting go is never easy. All too often, we hold on to things, including negative emotions and states of mind, that are making and keeping us sick and unhappy. We get a perverse pleasure from being miserable.

Take charge---and let go.

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IF YOU CAN ACCEPT WHAT IS THERE’S NO PROBLEM

Everything is best. Yes, every thing. Now, that’s a strange spiritual truth if ever there was one. Yet, I have found it to be so.

There’s a Zen kōan that goes like this. When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard a conversation between a butcher and his customer. ‘Give me the best piece of meat you have,’ said the customer. ‘Everything in my shop is the best,’ replied the butcher. ‘You cannot find here any piece of meat that is not the best.’ At these words Banzan became enlightened---that is, he 'woke up' and saw things as they really are ... for the very first time.

The great spiritual philosopher J. Krishnamurti, pictured, had this to say about acceptance. 'In the acknowledgement of what is, there is the cessation of all conflict.' It took me years to understand what he was saying. I mean, years. Actually, decades. Yes, decades---and decades of unnecessary suffering, both to myself and others. Yes, whatever is, is best. Why is that so? It’s simple (but not easy). Because whatever is, is what is. And what is is reality, is now. When we resist what is, we suffer---every time. Yes, every goddam time. Resistance is non-acceptance. Resistance is suffering ... and conflict (be it physical, psychological, or whatever). And resistance is living in the past … or in the future. It is anything and everything other than living fully in the present.

Of course, acceptance is never easy---if only we could buy it at a supermarket---but we make the task of acceptance so much harder than we need to. Acceptance is letting go---that is, letting go of all resistance, especially all opinions that stand in the way of a full acceptance of what is. However, before we can let go we must first let be. That's right, we must let be whatever is our present reality. That's not fatalism. Not at all. Before we can change what can be changed we must first ... let be. 

Acceptance is surrender---to what is. And acceptance is faith. Now, by faith I do not mean creedal belief but living with hope, courage and confidence despite appearances to the contrary. Faith is embracing what is, even though we might have hoped for something altogether different. 

And what is hope? Well, hope is not the same thing as having expectations. Indeed, we must get rid of all expectations if we don't want to be constantly disappointed in life. No, hope is a certain mindset that knows---yes, knows---that whatever is, is best. It is a state of mind that is prepared to accept whatever be the outcome in any given fact-situation of life.

‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.’

IT’S DAMN HARD TO LET THINGS COME AND GO

The Master's power is like this.
He lets all things come and go
effortlessly, without desire.
He never expects results;
thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed;
thus his spirit never grows old.

Those lines of wisdom come from chapter 55 of the TaoTe Ching. I have often read those lines at various services I have conducted, and lectures I have given, over the years. It is such good advice, who could gainsay it? Yet it’s so damn hard to let things come and go!

I find it hard to let go of so many things. Take books, for example. I have literally thousands of them, on a variety of subjects including religion, philosophy, psychology, science, cosmology, history, the performing arts, etc, etc. I am trying, ever so hard, to get rid of a lot of them at the moment, for I desperately need to de-clutter with a view to downsizing my home in a few years’ time or perhaps sooner. Then there are about as many CDs, DVDs, and the like---even vinyl records and a few 78 RPMs as well. No, I am not a hoarder in a strict clinical sense. I am too orderly for that, but I am a hoarder nevertheless.

I am also a hoarder of negative emotions, including anger and resentment. Those things are even harder to get rid of---and much more dangerous to one's wellbeing as well. I spend much of my life trying to help others with their problems of mind and soul, yet I often have so much trouble with my own such problems. (This is a rare confession from me.) Now, recently a spiritual fellowship with which I have had a fairly close association for about 14 years---I was a foundation member of this group, I drafted their constitution and rules, and I have spoken there on a regular basis in both recent years as well as in the group’s early years---treated me quite shabbily, indeed in a most mean-spirited and unfair manner (and this from a fellowship and a denomination---the one of which I am an ordained minister---that purports to be dedicated to the notion of acting compassionately and fairly, not to mention rationally). I won’t mention the name of the group, but if you have nothing better to do with your time you may wish to do this quick word search puzzle. Sorry, no prizes, etc, and please don't bother sending me, whether by way of comment or email, what you thing is the 'correct' answer to the not-so-damn-hard puzzle---a puzzle so simple, dear readers, I'm not even going to give you the search words. Ha!

  

Part of the problem (not the word puzzle, but with the group I mentioned above) is that I felt personally rejected by those in control of the group—and in a very real sense I was. And denied procedural fairness by not being properly heard, or heard at all. And I wasn't given adequate or meaningful reasons, or the real reasons, for the decision, which is tantamount to my not being given any reasons at all. Additionally, I expected a positive outcome, and it did not happen. My response (or rather reaction) was, well, less than gracious, and I felt more than just disappointment. Instead of accepting that even the best of people will act unreasonably, uncharitably and otherwise unfairly from time to time, that life itself is rarely fair---no, I do not believe in the idea that ‘perfect justice rules the world,’ cosmically or otherwise---and that I should ‘let all things come and go effortlessly, without desire,’ I erupted in anger, indignation and self-righteous outrage. I 'excelled' myself, so to speak, as respects my display of those emotions. (Even though in a sense 'they [the people in question] had it coming,' because they were so stupid really, and unfit to govern a religious organization, it is always the case that when we react badly, the problem is always with us, not with the other person or persons, no matter how badly they may have behaved.)

The spiritual teacher Vernon Howard (pictured right) often wrote and spoke of the need to let people think and behave toward us exactly as they wish (while, of course, taking all sensible precautions to prevent then from doing actual harm or injury to us). He would say, ‘Expect nothing from no one, plead for nothing, accept whatever comes, for no one---absolutely no one---has anything of any real, lasting value to give you.’ Such sound advice! You know, all of the world’s great teachers and masters have said more-or-less the same thing over the centuries.

And what about that group of people who, I still feel, acted wrongly and unfairly toward me, and in whom my disappointment is total and complete? Well, I intend to follow this pearl of wisdom from Jesus:

‘Whatever house you enter, stay there, and from there depart. And whoever will not receive you, when you go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet as a testimony against them.’ (Lk 9:4-5)

I will also do my darndest to release all the persons concerned to their 'highest good,' whatever that may be for them, even though I plan to have nothing more to do with them. (Well, why set yourself up for more hurt?) But releasing them all to their highest good---that’s the really hard part, but it must be done … if only for my own best interests.

YOU DON’T NEED CLOSURE---JUST ACCEPT AND MOVE ON!

The great thing about mindfulness is this---it makes acceptance the foundation of all that happens and presents itself as one’s consciousness and moment-to-moment experience. Choiceless awareness of what is---that is just another form of acceptance.

I am sick-and-tired of hearing people say, ‘I need closure, and I can’t have closure unless or until …’ I hear someone say this almost every day. Closure, closure, closure. Where did this silly idea come from? Pop psychology? It is certainly not rooted in sound spirituality---nor in sound psychology for that matter. One of the sad things about the loss of traditional religion is that pop psychology---often of a very silly and even dangerous kind---has rushed in to fill the void. Some of what we are told to do is absolute crap---more silly than some of the pastoral 'advice' dispensed by old-time preachers. (I am not one of the latter. I am too much of a heretic to qualify as one.)

A husband and wife lose their daughter. Let’s say she is brutally murdered. A man is apprehended and charged with the murder of the daughter. He is tried, convicted and sentenced to several years imprisonment. The parents say, ‘Now that we finally have closure, we can move on.’ Rubbish! Dishonest! They will never move on. What they really wanted was 'justice,' vengeance and retribution. It had always been possible for them to move on, right from day one---if they had wanted to, but they have handed over their power to others. Yes, some things take time, but acceptance---true acceptance---is always unconditional. It is a willing acceptance of things as they are---even in a hopelessly broken state. Listen to these wonderful words from the ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Note those words---‘unless I could accept life completely on life’s terms.’ That means accepting life as is---warts and all. Note also the words, ‘I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.’ Again, that means accepting life as is.

What is ‘closure’? I will tell you. It is ‘acceptance’ subject to conditions (eg vengeance, retribution, change). When things change---hopefully for the better---then I will be able to accept what has happened, and move on. Rubbish? Accept things as they are now. At the risk of repeating myself, acceptance---true acceptance---is unconditional. You accept things as they are now. Period. You don't wait until things change.

Life is hard---bloody hard, at times. I know that to be true---personally. I am not one to dispense cheap optimism. Acceptance is never easy. I think acceptance involves a strong element of forgiveness---that is, we forgive ourselves, other people, life itself, even God, for things being bad and lousy. Then, we let go---absolutely and unconditionally.

Those who want, or are otherwise waiting, for so-called closure find it hard to let go and forgive---especially the latter. The want acceptance, after a fashion, but they also want to hold on to their pain, their anger, their resentment, and their bitterness. Like Lot’s wife, they are constantly looking back at the dreadful thing that happened to them. Like Lot’s wife, they will be turned into a pillar of salt---unless they 'wake up.' Yes, these people will have absolutely no serenity whatsoever until they accept, forgive and let go---absolutely and unconditionally. These people will never truly get the ‘closure’ they are seeking---because there is no such thing as closure, at least not in the sense they are using the term.

You see, closure is not something that happens to you---if you wait long enough, and are 'lucky.' That's the problem with the 'conventional wisdom' with respect to closure. It shifts the responsibility for getting better from oneself to others or to circumstances outside oneself ('conditions' or 'situations'). No, you alone are responsible for effecting due and proper closure---that is, unconditional acceptance---and it happens instantaneously and immediately when you accept things as they are. But first you must be willing for that to happen. Ah, there's the rub! You must want your freedom more than you want to hold on to your pain, anger, resentment and bitterness. It's a choice, and an act of the will---although no so-called 'will power' is involved or required. You make a decision that enough is enough---that it's time to let go and move on. Your whole life depends upon it. It's crunch time.

So, forget all about so-called 'closure.' You don’t need it. It is bad psychology and even worse spirituality. Just accept life completely on life's terms, draw a line in the sand---and move on!

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