WHY MOST SELF-HELP BOOKS DON’T HELP

‘Who is the “I” that is going to change it? The “I” is also a habit,

the “I” is a series of words and memories and knowledge, 

which is the past, which is a habit.”

J. Krishnamurti, The Impossible Question.

Go into any book shop, or look online, and you will find self-help books galore. I have bought quite a few of them myself over the years. Most of them are a total waste of money. They don’t work. Why? Because most of them rest on an assumption that is completely false, namely, that what we call the self can change the self. It can’t.

We use the word ‘self’ in two different senses. First, we use the word to describe the ‘person’ each one of us is---the ‘real you,’ so to speak---and that is a most legitimate use of the word. However, we also use the word to refer to what we mistakenly perceive to be our real identity. Let me explain.

We perceive life through our senses and by means of our conscious mind. Over time, beginning from the very moment of our birth, sensory perceptions harden into images of various kinds formed out of aggregates of thought and feeling. In time, the illusion of a separate 'observing self' emerges, but the truth is that our sense of mental continuity and identity are simply the result of habit, memory and conditioning. Hundreds of thousands of separate, ever-changing and ever-so-transient mental occurrences—in the form of our various likes, dislikes, views, opinions, prejudices, biases, attachments and aversions, all of them mental images—harden into a fairly persistent mental construct of sorts. This construct is, however, nothing more than a confluence of impermanent components (‘I-moments’ or ‘selves’) which are cleverly synthesized by the mind in a way that appears to give them a singularity and a separate and independent existence and life of their own. The result is the ‘observing self', but it is little more than a bundle of remembered images from and out of which further thought and new images—yes, more of them—arise.

As mentioned, this ‘observing self’ consists of hundreds of other selves, each of which is an image that we build in our mind over time and in time. There is, for example, the angry false self (‘I am angry’), the jealous false self (‘I am jealous’), the fearful false self (‘I am fearful’), the unworthy self (‘I am a miserable sinner’), and so on. These selves—lots and lots of psychological ‘I's’ and ‘me's’ that collectively manifest as our ego-consciousness) are called false because they are not the real person each one of us is, but we mistakenly believe that one or more of these false selves---which are nothing more than self-images in our mind---are the real person that we are. In truth, all of these 'I's' and 'me's' have been created by thought. Indeed, they are thought--thought images, if you like.

Now, these false selves are illusory, not because they do not exist--for they do indeed exist as images in our mind--but because they have no separate, distinct, permanent identity from the person that we are, the latter being a mind-body complex that is ontologically real (the 'physical "I"'). Only the person that you are---a person among persons---is ontologically real.

We are self-conscious beings, and not only is there this ‘observing self’ in our mind—along with many other mind-invented selves—there is also an ‘observed self,’ in that the observing self (a subject) is able to ‘split,’ so to speak, and become an ‘observed self’ (an object). So, we have the ‘I’ subject and the ‘I’ object. But that’s not the end of it. Every like, dislike, view and opinion hardens over time into a little ‘self’, so we have hundreds of these selves in our mind at any one point in time. The ‘observing self’ can easily morph into the ‘judging self’, deciding which likes and dislikes we will keep, and which ones we will discard. Ditto views and opinions. The ‘observing self’ can and does also morph into an ‘analytical self’ which analyses our other false selves. At the risk of repeating myself, none of these little selves, has no separate, discrete, or independent existence apart from the person each one of us is. In that sense the ‘observing self’ is false and illusory. Worse, it is the very same self—any other false self---that is being observed. This is what it means to be trapped in the illusion of self---a false self, lots and lots of them, in fact. Listen to what the Indian spiritual philosopher J. Krishnamurti [pictured right] has to say about the matter. These lines come from chapter 12 of his book Freedom From the Known:

One image, as the observer, observes dozens of other images around himself and inside himself, and he says, 'I like this image, I'm going to keep it' or 'I don't like that image so I'll get rid of it', but the observer himself has been put together by the various images which have come into being through reaction to various other images. So we come to a point where we can say, 'The observer is also the image, only he has separated himself and observes. This observer who has come into being through various other images thinks himself permanent and between himself and the images he has created there is a division, a time interval. This creates conflict between himself and the images he believes to be the cause of his troubles. So then he says, "I must get rid of this conflict", but the very desire to get rid of the conflict creates another image.'

So, I hope you can see by now that self is indeed the problem. The self that wants to change is the very same self that doesn’t want to change. The self that observes is the self being observed. Self is always self and nothing else but self. As a former Archbishop of Canterbury, William Temple [pictured left], pointed out, ‘no effort of the self can remove the self from the centre of its own endeavour.’ The self that wants to get rid of the self that is causing problems in one’s life is the same self as the one causing the problems. Self cannot change self. The only way self can change is by morphing into some other self, but you still end up with a self, and what good is that, I ask you? In any event, a self, being nothing more than a mental image in our mind, has no power in and of itself in any event. That is why we need to rely upon some power-not-oneself.

Let me say it again. Self can’t change self, and that’s where most self-help books go horribly wrong. However, the person that you are can change, but where does the power to change come from if it doesn't come from one's negative, conditioned ego-self? Is it some person, some god or god-like figure who will step in and change everything for us? Well, there are some who assert that is the way out, but I beg to differ. One of the many things I like about Buddhism is that it says, in effect, ‘Only you, the person that you are, can get yourself out of the mess you have created for yourself.’

Here’s some more wisdom from Krishnamurti, again taken from chapter 12 of his book Freedom From the Known:

Any movement on the part of the observer, if he has not realized that the observer is the observed, creates only another series of images and again he is caught in them. But what takes place when the observer is aware that the observer is the observed? … The observer does not act at all. The observer has always said, 'I must do something about these images, I must suppress them or give them a different shape'; he is always active in regard to the observed, acting and reacting passionately or casually, and this action of like and dislike on the part of the observer is called positive action -- 'I like, therefore I must hold. I dislike therefore I must get rid of.' But when the observer realizes that the thing about which he is acting is himself, then there is no conflict between himself and the image. He is that. He is not separate from that. When he was separate, he did, or tried to do, something about it, but when the observer realizes that he is that, then there is no like or dislike and conflict ceases.

For what is he to do? If something is you, what can you do? You cannot rebel against it or run away from it or even accept it. It is there. So all action that is the outcome of reaction to like and dislike has come to an end.

Then you will find that there is an awareness that has become tremendously alive. It is not bound to any central issue or to any image -- and from that intensity of awareness there is a different quality of attention and therefore the mind -- because the mind is this awareness - has become extraordinarily sensitive and highly intelligent.

The answer is self-awareness—choiceless, non-judgmental awareness. You look. You observe. You are alert and aware. When you truly come to see—and know—that all of those false selves in your mind are illusory and have no power over you except the power you choose to give them by identifying with them—note carefully that word ‘identify’—you, the person that you are, will have become free of their grip upon you. 

Yes, you can and will be relieved of the bondage of self when you come to understand that you need no longer be a slave to self. Stop trying to change or eradicate your false selves. Freedom comes when you are no longer for or against whatever self is the supposed problem at the partiuclar time—that is, when you are no longer fighting against that self being in your mind nor are you trying to hold on to it. This is what is known as letting go. Others call it acceptance. Krishnamurti calls it ‘choiceless awareness’. The words don’t matter, only the reality behind those words.

So, what is the ‘power-not-oneself’? It is you—the person that you are—when, to quote Krishnamurti once again, ‘there is an awareness that has become tremendously alive’.

That, my friends, is the only kind of self-help that works.

Freedom From the Known.
J. Krishnamurti. Edited by Mary Lutyens. New York: Harper & Row.

Copyright © 1969, 2010 Krishnamurti Foundation Trust Limited,

Brockwood Park, Bramdean, Hampshire, United Kingdom.

All rights reserved.

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TWO SELF-HELP MYTHS THAT MUST BE EXPLODED ONCE AND FOR ALL

Ring bells! Blow trumpets! Today is the first anniversary of this blogsite. I uploaded my first posts on 3 October 2010, and this is my 128th post.

I have always been interested in self-help literature, but there is a lot of rubbish, and even some very dangerous ideas as well, in many self-help books.

Now, the man Dr Norman Vincent Peale (pictured left), and his many writings, sermons and talks, have had an enormous impact on my life, but when I read some of his writings today, I recoil. Take, for example, the first chapter of his monumental best-seller The Power of Positive Thinking. The chapter is entitled ‘Believe in Yourself,’ and the first three sentences of that chapter are as follows:

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.

I must have read those lines hundreds of times over the years ... and they seemed to make sense to me for many years as well. I have even quoted those lines to others including several former students of mine. Although I still endorse much of what Dr Peale wrote and preached in his long life, I no longer think we must ‘believe’ or ‘have faith’ in ourselves or our abilities.

Then there is the whole ‘self-esteem movement.’ Dr Robert H Schuller, whose own ministry and writings have been greatly influenced by the thoughts and writings of Dr Peale, wrote in his book Self-Esteem: The New Reformation, ‘A person is in hell when he has lost his self-esteem.’ Really? I’m not so sure. Please read on.

MYTH ONE: WE MUST BELIEVE IN OURSELVES

We are told that we must believe in ourselves, and have faith in ourselves. Why? How does believing in yourself make any difference to your ability to do X or Y? What you need is knowledge and insight – knowledge of what you can and can’t do, and insight into the person you are.

We are told – especially by proselytizing Bible-believing Christians – that even the most militant atheist has faith in something or someone. For example, we are told that when we board a bus, we are demonstrating that we have ‘faith’ in the driver of that vehicle or in his driving ability. Nonsense. We are simply acting on the knowledge that, statistically, it is more probable than not, but by no means certain, that we will arrive safely at our destination. We then make an assumption – yes, an assumption – that, all things considered, it is ‘safe’ to board the bus. Belief or faith is not required or involved at all.

As I have said, time and time again, people ordinarily believe when they don't know or understand something. Do you believe in God or Jesus? Buddha? Now, I have nothing against God (unless that God be a cruel, tribal or sectarian God) or Jesus, but why believe? Obey? Yes, if you like. Follow? Perhaps. But believe? No!

There is no need to believe anything ... and nothing to believe ... or disbelieve for that matter. Whether or not something is the case does not depend upon belief or disbelief. Forget all about believing and belief-systems. Beliefs are for ‘spiritual cripples’ ... for those who can’t, or won’t, think for themselves. Beliefs, by their very nature, take the form of prejudices, predilections and biases of various kinds. Shakyamuni Buddha referred to beliefs as being in the nature of thought coverings or veils (āvarnas). In other words, beliefs distort reality. Indeed, they prevent us from knowing and experiencing things as they really are. In that regard, I have always found helpful these words attributed to the Buddha: 'Do not believe, for if you believe, you will never know. If you really want to know, don't believe.'

So, forget about ‘believing’ in yourself ... or in anyone else for that matter.

MYTH TWO: WE MUST HAVE A HIGH SELF- ESTEEM

This myth is closely related to the first one, if it doesn’t actually devolve from the first.

For years now, educators and psychologists – especially child psychologists – have spoken of the supposed need to boost children’s ‘self-esteem.’ We in the West have suffered for far too long under that dreadful system of 'self-esteem-based education'.

One of the greatest books ever written is Charles Sykes’ book, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves but Can’t Read, Write or Add. If you haven't read that book, please do so. As a university lecturer based in Sydney, Australia, I taught law – which is all about the power of the written and spoken word – for almost 20 years, and I was simply appalled at how few of my law students over the years could write a decent English sentence. (The problem got worse as the years progressed.) It wasn't really the fault of the students. It was the fault of a number of silly people in high places in government and educational bureaucracy over the previous 2 or 3 decades who preached that literacy of the supposed 'old-fashioned kind' was unimportant. What was supposedly important was ensuring that every 'precious' student had a 'healthy ego' and was not 'stigmatized' in any way. So, the task of the teacher or lecturer was to 'jolly them [the students] along.' The result? Wholesale mediocrity and narcissism of an almost clinical kind.

Fortunately, the tide has turned somewhat ... but not, so far as I can see, in teaching. However, there is a strong counter-movement – led by psychological giants such as Dr Martin Seligman (pictured left) – against the supposed need for ‘self-esteem.’ All too often in practice, efforts and appeals by psychiatrists, psychologists and motivational speakers and preachers, as well as educators, to 'enhance' or 'boost' the so-called self-esteem of their clients, listeners or students are little more than paternalistic attempts at imposing their own conception of so-called truth upon their hapless 'victims.'

But back to this expression 'self-esteem.' ‘Self’ what? The ultimate, fundamental and bedrock objection to the whole 'self-esteem movement' is this – as I have written so many times before, there is simply no such thing as ‘self,’ so please forget all about such things as so-called ‘self-awareness,’ ‘self-consciousness’ ... and ‘self-esteem.’

True, we have a sense of continuity of a so-called ‘self’, but it is really an illusion. It has no ‘substance’ in psychological reality. 'Self' is simply a mental construct composed of a continuous ever-changing process or confluence of impermanent components (‘I-moments’) which are cleverly synthesized by the mind in a way which appears to give them a singularity and a separate and independent existence and life of their own.

Having said that, I certainly do not deny that there is such a thing as 'esteem.' Let's proceed to look at how 'esteem' and the person that you are are connected or related. We will see that any connection or relation is neither dependent upon nor constituted by the supposed existence of what is otherwise a non-existent 'self.'

Now, how well do you know the person you are? I am not talking about ‘self’ knowledge, but knowledge of, and insight into, the person – note that word person – that you are.

Know this about the person you are. You are a person of inherent worth and dignity. Know that, and never forget it. You are a person among persons. You are a vital part of the interdependent web of all existence. You are, therefore, a person of esteem ... no matter what others may think of you. (And what they think of you is none of your business, anyway.)

I repeat, you are a person of esteem. It is part and parcel of being human ... and part of the very livingness of life. Is that not amazing? Esteem is something you are. It is not something you 'have' or must 'develop.' Now, having regard to those facts, know that you can truly be the person you want and will to be. Note, I have not used the word ‘self’ or 'ego' (heaven forbid) in any of that ... because there is simply no need to.

The whole concept of so-called 'self-esteem' is fundamentally flawed in more than one respect. Even if it were not, I would still reject the concept on the basis that it is far too focused on 'thoughts' and 'thinking' as opposed to such all-important things as awareness (cf mindfulness) and action. The cure for so-called 'low self-esteem' is this – act as a person of esteem. We have William James (pictured left) to thank for the 'act as if' principle. In his words, 'If you want a quality, act as if you already had it.'

Yes, I am aware that there are such things as 'learned helplessness' and 'self[sic]-defeating behaviour,' but they are things which can be overcome – over time – by means and as a result of the regular practice of mindfulness and associated disciplines and, in some cases, with the assistance of professional help from persons trained in the psychological sciences.

Now, mindfulness meditation is also referred to as ‘insight meditation.’ That’s what we need above all other things – insight. Mindfulness, as a way of being and living, gives us insight into the person each one of us is ... and insight into our respective thoughts, feelings, memories, images, bodily sensations, and so forth. Of course, insight alone never changes anything, but without insight you can’t change for the better. Armed with knowledge of the person you are, and insight into the workings of the person you are, you will be both successful and happy ... provided you get rid of your ‘self’ ... and your 'ego-itis.'

'Self-esteem'? There's really no such thing, and that means there is also no such thing as 'good' or 'high' self-esteem. Now, this is all you need to know – you are a person of esteem ... no matter what you have done, or not done, in your life. Know that ... and act accordingly ... but please don't believe.

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